The remarkable similarities between Zombies and Mormons

  • They usually travel in groups
  • They will stop at nothing in their efforts to add new members to their “club”
  • Their main selling point to convert newcomers is Eternal Life
  • They look and act kind of like regular people; there’s just something…different…about them
  • People tend to run away or hide when they seem them coming
  • Their very existence is a slap in the face to science and rational thinking (will probably get some angry letters from the American Zombie Society for that one)

Riots mark historic victory for Obama

As the electoral votes mounted and the White House became imminent, supporters of Barack Obama in cities all across the country celebrated his historic victory on election night the only way Americans know how: with riots, looting, and setting things on fire.

In Grant Park in Chicago, Obama captivated the crowd with an eloquent and inspiring speech, leaving over 100,000 people with a sense of real hope not felt in this country for a number of years.  After the speech ended, complete strangers were seen embracing and laughing together.  Then, in a true show of unity, nearly all present burst into a riot.  It was a riot for change, a riot for America.  Blacks and whites, men and women, young and old, rioted together side by side, in a scene many thought they would never see in their lifetime.

“This is absolutely amazing,” stated Lacy Graham, a 90 year old black woman who had waited in line for 3 hours to cast her vote for Obama.  “The future finally looks bright for the United States.  I’ve never been so happy in all my days.”  Graham proceeded to help her grandchildren flip over a police car and set it ablaze.  “God bless Barack Obama,” she said, pouring gasoline on the car with the pride and zest of a 20 year old.

Similar scenes took place all over the country.  In New York, rioters started a massive fire in an office building in the shape of an ‘O’.  Bob Jameson, one of the organizers of the fire, shared his thoughts: “You know, Americans really came together today.  I’m so proud.  What we did here,” he said, gesturing to the billowing fire with a twinkle in his eye, “this took the hard work of over 50 people, from all walks of life.  This wasn’t planned.  We all just saw an opportunity to be heard, to make a difference.  Where but in America could something like this happen?”

Even some Republicans took place in the celebration riots, as they came to realize the gravity of the moment.  “I did not vote for Obama,” said one Republican, as he poetically launched an empty beer bottle off into the night air, “but if he can bring people together like this, who am I to stand in the way of change?”

As the night waned on, the rioters slowly made their way home, the magnitude of the night’s victory starting to sink in.  And even as the couch fires began to burn themselves out, it was clear that this was not the end, but only the beginning.  The change America needed would not be accomplished through one hard fought day of voting and riots; the change America needed would have to come slowly, would have to be earned one day at a time.  Still, the days events signaled that the opportunity for that change was never more present.

“Yes we can, to opportunity,” said a teary eyed Jack Bertran as he climbed through the shattered window of an electronics store, holding his 3 year old son in one arm and a $500 DVD player in the other.   “Yes we can.”

80 women all coincidentally wear same costume to Halloween party

A coincidence of almost unbelievable proportions occurred this past weekend at the Halloween Bash, an advertised pre-Halloween costume party at High Street Bar in Duquesne, Illinois, when every single woman in attendance independently dressed as a Slut.  Not a single word of communication had transpired between any of the 80 or so women, who ranged from age 18 to 28, as to what costumes they planned to wear, making the fact that every single female in attendance came to High Street Bar dressed as a Slut even more remarkable.

For the record, slight variations did exist in some of the women’s costumes.  For instance, Jill Myers came dressed as a Pirate Slut, whereas Janine Paluno wore the costume of a Superhero Slut.  These slight tweaks on the basic Slut costume were perceptible only to the trained eye however, and did little to decrease the astonishing peculiarity of the phenomenon.

Party attendees try to hide their embarassment

Party attendees try to hide their embarrassment at their identical Slut costumes

While the unparalleled coincidence brought unimaginable embarrassment to nearly every woman present, the men in attendance did not seem bothered in the least or even baffled by the sheer probability of such an event occurring.

“Frickin’ sweet,” was the only explanation offered up by one male present, Brad Jenson, a 23 year old insurance salesman.  For his part, Jenson displayed much greater creativity than the women, as he was the only attendee  who came dressed as Brad Jenson.

According to Dr. Joel Regal, Professor of Statistics at the University of Illinois, the odds of 100% of the women at a given Halloween party all dressing as a Slut is  “actually, really high.  The probability is basically 1.”

Regal added, “I love Halloween.”

Amendment to grant “life at boner”

The pro-life/pro-choice debate was rekindled this week, after the Colorado Springs conservative group “Because God Says So” proposed adding a radical new amendment to the constitution.  The amendment takes the pro-life stance to a bold new level, granting full human rights and privileges, under law, to an unborn child at the moment of boner.  According to the group’s website, “When a man receives a boner, that is a message from God that He wants that individual to procreate and produce one of God’s children.  To do anything otherwise would be not only to deny God’s will, but also to deny that potential human of its God given right to live.”

If the new Amendment is passed in next month’s election, it would bring about several dramatic changes in the current law.  For one, all means of birth control, including abstinence, would be illegal.  Further, any male caught with a boner not in the process of fertilizing a female egg would be considered a felon.  Needless to say, abortion would be extremely illegal and punishable by death, even in cases of rape, incest, and impregnation-by-wild-mule-after-being-kidnapped-and-forcefully-tied-down-by-foreign-perverts-filming-”Mule-on-Girl”-porn.

When asked how they could possibly justify giving the government the right to arrest 13 year old boys for masturbating, Colleen Sheer, a spokesperson for the group, replied candidly, ” because God says so”.

America to McCain:

Dude, we are not friends.  We sat next to you in one class (and that was only because there were no other seats available), and then we said “hi” to you like twice at a party (at which we were totally drunk anyway).  Seriously dude, you gotta stop going around telling everyone what great friends we are.  Not only is it, like, killing my rep, but, man, it’s just not true.

Don’t get us wrong, you’re a pretty nice guy, and yeah, you helped us with that one homework problem, but that does not make us friends.  Did you notice how we didn’t accept your friend request on Facebook?  Did you think it was a coincidence that we never showed up at that “raging party” you invited us to like 40 times?   I mean, come on bro, get the hint.

To be perfectly honest man – and don’t take this as an insult, we’re only trying to help you out – you kind of come across as being full of yourself.  Maybe if you, like, didn’t spend every waking minute reminding everyone what a stud you were on your high school basketball team, maybe you would have some real friends.

Anyway dude, let me just be very clear about this: I know you think you’re like this big shot and that everyone loves you, but seriously, in a couple of months, after graduation, no one is even gonna remember who you are.  So please, let’s not make this more awkward than it needs to be: we are not friends.  Don’t sit next to us at lunch.

Point-counterpoint: Presidential debate


Joel Keiting – Democrat: Oh my god, Obama kicked ass in that debate!  There is no question that he just completely dominated McCain from start to finish!  That was awesome!   He was so smooth, he exposed all of McCain’s weaknesses, he made brilliant points!  McCain knew it too – did you see how worried he looked the whole time?  Republicans must be freaking out right now, because even the staunchest Republican would have to admit that McCain just got destroyed.  WooHoo!!  Go Obama!

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Kurt Seivers – Republican: Oh my god, McCain kicked ass in that debate!  There is no question that he just completely dominated Obama from start to finish!  That was awesome!   He was so smooth, he exposed all of Obama’s weaknesses, he made brilliant points!  Obama knew it too – did you see how worried he looked the whole time? Democrats must be freaking out right now, because even the staunchest Democrat would have to admit that Obama just got destroyed.  WooHoo!!  Go McCain!

Motocyclist hit by car dies; hair remains perfect

Dallas, TX: A semi-tragic accident occurred during rush hour traffic in the Dallas area this morning when a motorcyclist was sent flying head first into the windshield of a bus. Witnesses reported seeing the motorcycle, driven by tattoo artist Joseph Sims, swerve to avoid a car changing lanes.  Sims apparently lost control of the bike, and was sent airborne after clipping the hood of another vehicle.  Sims, who was not wearing a helmet, was pronounced dead at the scene.  His hair, however, was pronounced “remarkably intact and stunning”.

Emergency response worker Cathy Young speculated that Sims would almost surely have survived had he been wearing a helmet.  Whether that was the right decision, however, was not so clear.  Said Young:  “It’s tough to say.  On the one hand, yes, his brains wouldn’t be splattered all over the street.  On the other hand, it’s amazing how well his hair managed to survive the accident.  That certainly would not have happened if he were wearing a helmet.  It would be all matted and flat.  Very unattractive.”

Dave Tinder, Sims’ friend who was riding nearby on his own motorcycle, expressed confusion and dismay at the loss of his friend.  “Man, this sucks,” Tinder lamented.  “I don’t know what to feel, man.  Joe always had such nice, cool looking hair.  So it’s great that the hair is doing well.  But damn bro, it totally sucks that he’s gone.”  Tinder then took a moment to run this hand through his own full, bouncy locks of hair.  “Know what though – in retrospect and all that shit, I don’t think Joe would have done nothing different.  You only live once, you gotta live on the edge.  And he would have looked so fuckin’ dorky with a helmet on.”

Clay Aiken: “I am gay”

In other news, George Bush stated that he is a crappy President, Shaquille O’Neal affirmed that he is tall, and Chris Rock informed the public that he is black.

Fat person thinks their opinion counts

York, PA:  A pleasant busride turned catastrophically obnoxious today when an overweight passenger began speaking loudly and prominently, addressing the entire bus as if anyone actually gave a shit what the tub of lard had to say.

The incident began around 3:20 PM this afternoon.  According to Jim Severs, a normal sized male of age 34, the unidentified whale had been reading a newspaper, devouring the day’s stories, when it began perspiring more profusely than would be expected for a fat depository of a human.  The fat ass suddenly stood up and commented loudly: “Garsh, what is wrong with people?!  Why in the world do we let this stuff continue?!  I am so fed up with Washington!  Am I the only one here who thinks…”

The remainder of the monstrosity’s rant is unknown, despite this reporter’s best efforts.  Interviews with all 20 of the average weight passengers on-board confirmed that Chunky talked for close to five minutes, yet none could recall what exactly the gargantuan sack of lipids had said.

“I know it was upset about something it had read in the paper,” recalls Tom Hormath, a fit construction worker, “but to be honest, I was too mesmerized by the jiggling of its jowls.  Plus, it was a lot of work dodging all of the spit.”

Although the monologue was met only with looks of horror and received no applause, some eye-witnesses described a look of satisfaction on Fatty’s face when the shit factory finally sat back down.  While many were enraged at the audacity of such an enormous and disgusting creature to exercise its First Amendment rights, others were just happy to be safe.

“I kept thinking, ‘Is this how I’m going to die?  Listening to blubber butt here’,” recalls a visibly shaken Samantha Jones, a cute 125 lbs.  “It was so horrible.  I think I’m gonna go to the gym now.”

That’s right, I’m blogging again

The worst thing about living alone:

You have to come up with something to eat for dinner every single day all by yourself.  Now, I’ve lived alone before, and while this aspect sucked, it was never a big deal – after all, it is pretty easy to prepare Mac ‘n cheese.  The problem now is that I can’t eat stuff like that anymore.  Maybe I’ve grown too sophisticated in my old age, but I have no desire to eat shit like that.  For instance:

Typical meals while living alone before getting married: Totinos frozen party pizza; Pasta roni.  (By the way, I felt like I was eating a solid healthy meal when I ate Pasta roni.)

Typical meal while living alone after getting married: Cous cous, seared vegetables, baked chicken with homemade sauce.

Now, I know my current meals are not landing me a guest appearance on Rachel Ray or anything, but they also take a lot more fuckin work than Totinos Party Pizza.  Damn, I knew there was a reason I got a wife.

On second thought, being overly sophisticated is probably not something I will ever have to worry about…