Mostly-United States Elects First Atheist President!

November 5, 2808: Thousands of years of prejudice all but vanished yesterday, as Juntao Satanidric won election as the first ever atheist president of the Mostly-United States of America.  Satanidric, who is also  deaf, gay, and limbless, faced an uphill battle the entire way due to his open rejection of a traditional God.  His opponent, John McCain the 23rd, frequently attacked his ability to lead a country without God on his side, but Satanidric held strong, promising change and inspiring people with his eloquence.

Supporters hoist President-elect Satanidric in the air in celebration of his becoming the nation's first atheist President

As the polls closed last night, Satanidric had  amassed over 17 billion votes, or an overwhelming 63% of the popular vote.  Nevertheless, many wonder whether Satanidric would have been able to win the election in the former United States, prior to the Reformation and Reorganization of 2730, when most Southern States separated from the Union to form the United States of Jesus, and several states remained part of the Union but refused to take part in its politics.

With the election of Satanidric, it seems that prejudice of all kind has finally been eliminated from our society.  After this historic election, men, women, and transvestites of all race, color, shape, and affiliation have won the office of President at some point in history.  While many thought that the election of President Joseph Bush, a mentally challenged midget, in 2788, was the final obstacle in putting the ugliness of segregation behind us, in fact atheists remained the sole group unable to clear the hurdle of becoming President – until now.

“I never thought I would see this day, not in my lifetime,” said one elated man, tears forming in his eyes.  Later asked whether he ever lost faith in Satanidric’s ability to win, the man responded, “Faith is an absurd notion.  Satanidric never needed the help of an invisible man in the sky.  He accomplished this on his own, through rational action.  What a beautiful moment.  I wish he could hear the cheers.”

Even though the road to becoming President was long and arduous, Satanidric acknowledged that the most daunting tasks still lay ahead.  Faced with a shattered economy that has been reduced to a bartering system, a failing war with the Argonites, extraterrestrial beings which have occupied Utah since 2802, and the threat of a growing black hole which is predicted to swallow Earth within the next four years, Satanidric takes over a country at one of its lowest points in recent memory.

Nevertheless, there is a reason for hope.  That reason was never more evident than while watching Satanidric, Godless queer that he is, wriggle his way up to the podium for a victory speech last night.  One couldn’t watch the scene unfold without feeling a sense of pride in humanity, and perhaps more importantly, a sense of optimism for what we can accomplish when we put our differences behind us.