Bible Misadventures

Dear Abby,

Last night my wife and I had some friends over for a dinner party.  Included in the group were 4 of our church friends, two of our neighbors, and my old college friend along with his new girlfriend.  The night was going just splendidly until the topic worked its way toward our Savior Jesus Christ.  As soon as I innocently brought up the topic of how great Jesus is, I noticed my friend’s new girlfriend, let’s call her Nadine, get squeamish.  Some simple questioning revealed the awful truth that Nadine is a non-believer.  I did my best to remain calm, but how could I?  An infidel, in my very house?!!  I was faced with a rather tough situation.  On the one hand, I knew that I was commanded by the Holy Book to slay the non-believer.  On the other hand, I didn’t want to ruin anybody’s night – blood sure does have a tendency to splatter!  In the end, after discussing it briefly with my wife in the kitchen, I settled on a plan: I told Nadine I wanted to show her something in the garden, took her out back, and slit her throat as quietly as possible, leaving the body by our shed to be dealt with in the morning.

I thought I had handled the situation as politely as possible, but can you believe: my college friend was quite angry!  In fact, as soon as he learned what I had done, he stormed out of the house, even going so far as to question whether he would attend our bake sale next week.  Well, as I’m sure you understand, I was just dumbfounded by this response, and it darn near ruined the night for everyone else.  Did I act improperly, or was it my friend who was being rude with his reaction?

Sincerely,

Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

You sick mother ****er!  What the **** is wrong with you, you horrible piece of ****?!!?!  That is the most ****ed up thing I have ever heard!  You are a ****ing loony, and I’m calling the cops, you can bet your fanatical ass!!  You do NOT go around killing people just because a two thousand year old book which has no rational claim to authority tells you to.

Oh my god.. oh god, this is so ****ed up…what the **** is wrong with you people??  Oh **** oh ****…goddamnit, you’re supposed to ask questions about where to place silverware and stupid **** like that…what the **** is this!!?  I am freaking the **** out…****!

Yours,

Abby