Roughly 200 people were forced to evacuate a CinePlex movie theater in Boise, Idaho today after the eruption of an unprecedented fart.
The fart, estimated to be a 9.1 on the Stinckter scale, is the largest and most destructive on historical record, topping the infamous 1998 “Lunch time Killer,” an orchestrated 8.9 fart by 15 high schoolers in Ferville, Michigan.
Innocent moviegoers interested in nothing more than spending an afternoon watching “Kung Fu Panda” were instead subjected to a force of nature unparalleled in this world.
“It was horrible,” says David Thompson, a poet who had come to the theater with his two children. “The sound of the fart shook the screen and rattled popcorn. At first, everyone hoped it was just a loud but harmless. Then came the odor – shock waves of ass death reverberating through your bones, latching onto your nostrils and strangling your brain. My eyes began to water, my breath came in toxic gasps. Last thing I remember clearly, a woman screamed. I could barely see anything, I just grabbed my kids and joined the throngs of panicked people en route to the exit.”
The exact location of the fart’s origin is currently unknown, but based on witness accounts and preliminary toxicology reports, it seems to have erupted in the general vicinity of the north west corner of the theater, and quickly spread throughout, leaving no seat untouched.
A few die hard moviegoers initially refused to vacate the theater, hunching down in their seats and covering their mouths with clothing. However, the power of the smell only increased with time, and within five minutes even the biggest “Kung Fu Panda” fans had no choice but to evacuate.
The scene outside the theater was one of chaos and sorrow – children laughing hysterically; grown men who hadn’t had time to grab their candy reduced to tears.
The emergency relief organization FEMA was quick to arrive on the scene, providing blankets and scented candles for victims.
An investigation has been begun by the FBI to determine the exact cause of the fart and whether preventative action could have been taken. Terrorist involvement has not been counted out as a possibility. Anyone with information is asked to contact the authorities. Donations to victims may be made through Red Cross.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: evacuation, fart, FEMA
