Someone Writes Book

The long anticipated release of someone’s book is set for this Thursday, when their book will be hitting retail stores nationwide.  The person, who has no writing training whatsoever, and has read a total of 3 books in their entire lifetime, made headlines several months ago upon announcing that they were in the finishing stages of writing their own book.  The book, which chronicles the fifteen minutes of fame the person experienced over a year ago in such agonizing detail as to fill 300 pages, is predicted by many to be a literary masterpiece.  Included in the account are several backstabbing remarks and antidotes about other people the populace barely remembers who were key players in the story that everyone had forgotten about within a week after CNN’s nonstop coverage ended.

According to Joel Riegel, Professor of Modern Literature at NYU, the book is likely to be a best seller, and remain in the public’s eye for a long time.  “Unlike so many books that get bogged down with colorful descriptions, this book is a rare beauty,” Riegel says.  “It keeps things simple:  short sentences, no big words, no symbolism or metaphors or any of that junk that makes reading so dull.  It sticks straight to the point, which is to tell a story that doesn’t really have a point or a message.  I like it.”

The timing of the book’s release seems to be perfect – the excitement from that one movie star’s drug admission a couple weeks ago has tapered, and the book written by the owner of that dog that did something interesting a year and a half ago is not set to be released for another month.

To learn more about the story behind the writing of the book, turn on the television to any channel.

WORLD ENDS

In a truly unprecedented event, the world ended yesterday.  While the end of the world has been incorrectly prognosticated countless times throughout history, predictions which always include any number of supernatural phenomena, the presence of Gods on earth, colossal natural destruction, and mass hysteria; in reality, the actual end of the world came about rather quietly yesterday at 4:35 PM EDT, a day which no human had ever predicted to be the world’s last.  Volcanoes did not erupt, Gods did not appear, souls were not saved, buildings did not topple, people did not scream, a sense of worldwide unity was not felt, tender redeeming moments across cultural barriers were not to be found, a cute dog owned by an eccentric homeless yet entertaining black man was not rescued.  The exact circumstances of the world’s end are unclear, all that is certain is that at 4:34 PM EDT the earth existed, and at 4:35 PM EDT it did not.

Unfortunately for mankind, the event did not hold true to the typical romantic Hollywood vision – not a single human, animal, or biological entity survived.  Everything died.  Everything.   Accordingly, this article does not exist.  Moreover, you are not reading this because you are dead.  As of today, the earth is gone.  In fact, the concept of today does not exist, as the earth no longer exists and hence cannot spin on its axis and orbit the sun.

Despite the rather unexciting end of the world, according to sources which do not exist, everyone and everything suffered greatly to the last moment of their existence.

Test by God found during archeological dig

An archeological dig conducted over the past 6 months in a remote region in Southern Africa has turned up a meaningless but controversial find.   The region, described by devil worshiping scientists as one of man’s earliest habitats, has turned up fossils which provide “evidence” supposedly supporting the fictitious theory of evolution.

According to Prof. John Leiber, the asshole scientist who led the expedition, the fossils are from homo-somethingorother, a species thought by Godless monsters to be over 4 million years old and an early ancestor to mankind.  Displaying astounding arrogance, Leiber’s group claims that the bones – which could just as likely be from a dog that died 10 years ago – cast a new light on the evolution of human limbs.

Following announcement of the find, an alternative and tremendously more plausible explanation was provided by Dr. Peter Mitchell, professor of Christian Science at Pensacola Christian University, one of the finest and most respected universities in the world.  Mitchell noticed several dramatic inconsistencies in Leiber’s theory, including the fact that the Bible depicts Adam’s limbs as being physiologically equivalent to human limbs today, suggesting that limbs did not undergo any sort of evolution; as well as the obvious flaw that the universe has only been around for several thousand years and thus a 4 million year old fossil is impossible.  Based on his analysis, Mitchell reached the scientific conclusion that the fossils were placed there by God as a test of our faith in Him and His word as found in the Holy Bible.

The fake fossil God hid in the earth.

He went on to explain that “it is not uncommon for God to give us little quizzes now and then.  Astronomy; Ethiopia; rap music; Abraham Lincoln, that hurricane that killed all those people a few years ago – these were all strategically put on earth by God to test us and weed out those that are not pure.  God is very clever, He has many ways to make it seem as though He does not exist or that the Bible is inaccurate.  It requires the utmost Faith to close your mind to all of the rationality and logic some of these so-called scientists will throw at you.  But that’s what’s required if you want to pass His many tests and gain entry into His kingdom.”

Mitchell further pointed out the well established fact that the theory of evolution is one of God’s biggest tests.  Evolution, as put forth by retarded God hating bastards,  describes the ridiculous notion that mankind arose millions of years ago through natural processes.  According to this theory, life is completely accidental and meaningless, and humans are monkeys.  Despite the countless problems with the theory, it seems that announcement of the fossils has already made a minor impact by slightly increasing the proportion of the public that chooses to destroy God’s beautiful design through fabricated scientific bullshit.  An internet poll conducted after the fossils were initially announced showed that 10% of respondents now feel greater confidence in evolution, while a frightening 0.5% have changed their minds based on the fossils and have come to believe in evolution.  While this 0.5% was likely bound for eternal hellfire anyway, it is nonetheless causing some concern at the Christian Watchdog organization “God = Good”, which has started a campaign to distract people from any actual evidence and remind the public that God is judging them.

New Army slogans

Directed to parents:

• You gave them no other options; we’ll keep them out of your hair for a few years
• We’ve been helping little four-eyed pussies score wives since the Revolutionary War
• Sure, your kid may be smart enough for college…but the Army is free
• When your mentally unstable killing machine son returns home, he sure will be polite
• Your creepy veteran grandfather-in-law might badger you less about never joining the service
• You realize that “all that your kid can be” is basically squat, so at least let them wear a fancy uniform

Directed to kids:

• About 90% of taxdollars are going to the military anyway; why not get a slice of that pie?
• Yes, the war in Iraq will end some day; but don’t worry, we’ll find another one
• The only profession where if you totally screw up AND get hurt in the process, you get awarded a medal.
• Our “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy means you can be as gay as you want and no is allowed to pick on you (so long as you do absolutely nothing to demonstrate your homosexuality)
• Brains are overrated; being told what to do is so much easier
• Good soldier, bad soldier..who cares?  When you walk through the airport, you’re a hero no matter what!

Directed to American public:

• America – we make the fuckin’ rules.   Go Army
• Why don’t the Liberals ever notice all of the countries we haven‘t invaded?
• We seem to have lost that last $4 trillion you gave us…can we please have some more?

Church group sends prayers in lieu of food to earthquake victims

This weekend, the National Church Organization God’s Children responded to the catastrophic earthquake in Indonesia through an outpouring of prayer.  The non-profit organization, which boasts nearly 200,000 members across the United States and reported profits of $4.3 billion in 2008, organized several nationwide group prayers dedicated to the victims during church services over the weekend.

According to the organizations founder, Pastor Joseph Robberson, “God has empowered us to act, to help those in need.  When his children are hurting, it is up to those of us who see the truth to reach out a hand.  Even though they may be misguided sinners, even though this horrible event was most likely wrought on them as punishment for their evil ways, Jesus teaches us that it is not our place to judge; love is still the answer.”

Several options to help the earthquakes victims were considered by the organization, including sending food, water, or financial aid.  In the end, though, it was decided that the most effective support would be through prayer.

According to board member Daniel Martin: “Sure, we considered raising some funds, or collecting canned food or something.  But you know what, those things are so temporary and tangible.   The everlasting power of prayer transcends all worldly objects.  Plus, you know, with the economy and all.”

When asked what specifically he prayed for, Martin responded, “Well, I don’t want to jinx it or anything, but I prayed for them to find Christ.”

Upon hearing rumors that a massive offering of help was on its way, many Indonesian citizens gathered around the city hall in Padang to see what goods might be delivered to them.  With a large percentage of them homeless, starving, and in desperate need of medical care, they waited eagerly in tattered clothes for any kind of help.  After several anxious days, Pastor Robberson himself arrived and delivered the news that over 150,000 prayers had been cast for them.  He then added that he had another wonderful surprise in tow, opening two wooden crates filled with 2000 used bibles.

Many people openly wept, others just stood in disbelief.  A few took the bibles and attempted to eat the pages.

“Prayers?”, responded six year old Zainal Kahimajai, “Are you fucking kidding me?  My house is destroyed, my parents are dead, I have no food…Oh, but hey, some assholes in America talked to air on my behalf.  Before I die by next week I’ll be sure to thank them for their useful prayers.”

He added, “Ah, maybe I’m just being pessimistic.  Maybe their invisible friend will make it rain hamburgers and parents.  Prayers…What a fucking joke.”

Ten Years Ago Today: My story

Today is April 20th, 2009.  Ten years ago today something bad happened.  This is my story of that day.

Ten years ago today I woke up and went to bowling class. Bowling class started at 6:30 AM.  We formed teams at the beginning of the semester, and then bowled against different teams each week. One team was made up of some typical high school outcasts. One of those outcasts was named Dylan Klebold. Another one was named Eric Harris. As outcasts go, they seemed as harmless as any other. They were anything but.

Ten years ago today, I went to my morning classes the same as any other Tuesday. One of those classes was AP Calculus. Dylan Klebold was in that class as well. I had known him since 7th grade.  He had always been a rather smart kid. In 7th grade he was not an outcast.

Ten years ago today, I went to lunch with my friends Justin Carlson and Angie Portincaso. We had fifth period off, which meant that we had a long lunch. As usual, we went to Southwest Plaza mall. We left around 11:10 AM, walking through the senior parking lot to my car. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris walked through the senior parking lot at around 11:14 AM and began what would become the worst U.S. school rampage in history.

Ten years ago today, Justin, Angie, and I ate lunch at Arby’s. We poked fun at each other, discussed our recent senior prom, counted the number of twists in our curly fries. While we were eating, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were shooting people. A girl named Rachel Scott decided to eat her lunch on the grass outside the cafeteria. She was already dead before we finished counting curly fries.

Ten years ago today, after lunch we went to visit our friend Mindy Edstrom, who worked at a store called Claire’s in the mall. While we were talking to her, she received a phone call. Someone told her that a shooting had occurred at Columbine. Our first reaction was one of cautious excitement. “Someone must have just shot out the windows or something,” we thought. “Some sort of prank,” we thought. “This will make for an interesting afternoon,” we thought. We thought wrong on at least 2 counts.

Ten years ago today, we started to drive back to school. We did not get very close. As we approached, we saw throngs of students walking through Clement Park, away from the school. Police cars were everywhere. They wouldn’t allow us to turn onto Pierce Street and return to school. They directed us into a neighborhood across from the school. “Maybe this is serious,” we thought.

Ten years ago today, we were directed to Leawood Elementary School, which had been set up as a safe haven for parents and students to reunite. Many parents found their children there. My parents found me. They found my sister as well. There was a mother there whose child was named Isaiah Sholes. She asked me if I knew who Isaiah was. I said that I did. She asked if I had seen him. I said that I hadn’t, but surely he would turn up. Isaiah Sholes never reunited with his mother. Isaiah had decided to hang out in the library that day. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot him in the face and killed him. He was the only black student in my graduating class.

Ten years ago today, while sifting through the chaos at Leawood Elementary, I looked up and saw Bill Clinton appear on television, talking about a tragedy unfolding at Columbine High School. “This is serious,” I thought.  Outside the school, media crews were set up all over.  One such crew took a picture of my mom hugging my sister after we found her.  Later that week I saw that picture on the cover of Time magazine.  Another member of the media was a woman who worked for a television station called Univision.  She was asking if anyone spoke Spanish.  I told her that I did, and she asked if she could interview me.  She asked me que paso.  I told her that unos estudiantes entraron en la escuela con pistoles, and so on.  It is the only time in my life that I have been interviewed on television.

Ten years ago today, ten people, including Isaiah, were killed in the library. This is where the worst of the massacre occurred. Not in the gym, not in the weight room, not in the faculty lounge. In the library. For ten years, I tried to make sense of that fact. Today, I decided that some things don’t make sense.

Ten years ago today, I eventually went home with my family. We received many phone calls. We made many phone calls. We watched the news as more details emerged. Many details that were reported were completely wrong. The number of people “confirmed dead” jumped up and down nearly every hour, peaking at around 50. What does “confirmed dead” mean, one had to wonder. After several days, the tally eventually settled at 15: 12 students killed, one teacher killed, and the suicides of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Thirteen people went to school and never got to finish the day.  If any one of those thirteen people had caught a cold and stayed home from school, they would still be around.  If Rachel Scott had taken her lunch inside, would she still be around?  If Isaiah Sholes had decided to shoot hoops instead of working on his homework, would he still be around?  If the propane bombs had gone off as planned by Eric and Dylan, how many others would not still be around?  These are pointless questions, of course.  If my great great grandfather had caught a cold the day he met my great great grandmother, would I still be around?, and so on.  

Ten years ago today, I went to bed, the morning’s bowling a lifetime away. Lying in bed, it occurred to me that I had not cried. All day, I saw people crying all around me. I hadn’t shed a tear. I thought about this. “Is something wrong with me that I haven’t cried?” I wondered. In ten years I never found an answer to that question.  

Ten years ago today, I eventually fell asleep; the day’s events forever behind me, forced to do battle in my mind with every other event of my life, all details struggling to remain a part of my collective memory. Many of the details have since lost the battle, but some remain.  For instance, I don’t remember what clothes I wore. But I do remember where I sat in Calculus class. I don’t remember what songs we listened to on the way to Southwest Plaza Mall. But I do remember the location of the television in Leawood Elementary on which Bill Clinton appeared to address the nation. I don’t remember how well I bowled that morning, or how well Dylan Klebold bowled. But I do remember the look on the face of Isaiah Sholes’ mother as she desperately searched for her son.  

Ten years ago today, mine became just another story from April 20^th 1999 at Columbine High School. Many people were given a story to tell that they never asked for on that day. This was my story.

Mostly-United States Elects First Atheist President!

November 5, 2808: Thousands of years of prejudice all but vanished yesterday, as Juntao Satanidric won election as the first ever atheist president of the Mostly-United States of America.  Satanidric, who is also  deaf, gay, and limbless, faced an uphill battle the entire way due to his open rejection of a traditional God.  His opponent, John McCain the 23rd, frequently attacked his ability to lead a country without God on his side, but Satanidric held strong, promising change and inspiring people with his eloquence.

Supporters hoist President-elect Satanidric in the air in celebration of his becoming the nation's first atheist President

As the polls closed last night, Satanidric had  amassed over 17 billion votes, or an overwhelming 63% of the popular vote.  Nevertheless, many wonder whether Satanidric would have been able to win the election in the former United States, prior to the Reformation and Reorganization of 2730, when most Southern States separated from the Union to form the United States of Jesus, and several states remained part of the Union but refused to take part in its politics.

With the election of Satanidric, it seems that prejudice of all kind has finally been eliminated from our society.  After this historic election, men, women, and transvestites of all race, color, shape, and affiliation have won the office of President at some point in history.  While many thought that the election of President Joseph Bush, a mentally challenged midget, in 2788, was the final obstacle in putting the ugliness of segregation behind us, in fact atheists remained the sole group unable to clear the hurdle of becoming President – until now.

“I never thought I would see this day, not in my lifetime,” said one elated man, tears forming in his eyes.  Later asked whether he ever lost faith in Satanidric’s ability to win, the man responded, “Faith is an absurd notion.  Satanidric never needed the help of an invisible man in the sky.  He accomplished this on his own, through rational action.  What a beautiful moment.  I wish he could hear the cheers.”

Even though the road to becoming President was long and arduous, Satanidric acknowledged that the most daunting tasks still lay ahead.  Faced with a shattered economy that has been reduced to a bartering system, a failing war with the Argonites, extraterrestrial beings which have occupied Utah since 2802, and the threat of a growing black hole which is predicted to swallow Earth within the next four years, Satanidric takes over a country at one of its lowest points in recent memory.

Nevertheless, there is a reason for hope.  That reason was never more evident than while watching Satanidric, Godless queer that he is, wriggle his way up to the podium for a victory speech last night.  One couldn’t watch the scene unfold without feeling a sense of pride in humanity, and perhaps more importantly, a sense of optimism for what we can accomplish when we put our differences behind us.

Bush throws temper tantrum in White House

President Bush, who was supposed to be using his final day as President to clear away the remainder of his belongings from the White House, reportedly threw a temper tantrum during a “Farewell Luncheon” with his advisers, and has locked himself in the Oval Office, refusing to come out until everyone in America says something nice about him.

Bob Schreider, political analyst and Bush confidant, told reporters that Bush is not speaking to anyone, although occasional sobs and mumblings of self-deprecation have been heard from inside the Oval Office throughout the ordeal.  President-elect Barack Obama, meanwhile, spent much of the afternoon hanging out in the White House lobby, personal effects in tow, waiting to move into his new office.   Obama, displaying the calm rationale which he has come to be known for, has been very patient throughout, stating at one point that “it’s understandably a tough day” for Bush.  He added, “I’m sure if we just give the little fella some time alone, he’ll be alright.”

In a CNN interview, however, Schreider did not seem convinced that Bush would come out on his own.  “Perhaps,” he said, “the best choice is for everyone to say something nice about him.  It wouldn’t have to be anything too nice, just something so that he feels special.”  In light of the interview, a special email address, bushnotsobad@aol.com, has been set up, and all American citizens are urged to send in a brief email with a nice compliment for the 43rd President on his last day.  According to Schreider, around 30 emails would probably be enough to get Bush to open the door, at which point Secret Service officials could take him down and forcibly remove him.  Whether that many American citizens will be up to the task is uncertain, though, and so alternative tactics are being considered, including tricking Bush into thinking that Osama Bin Laden is hiding in the kitchen, or hitting the Oval Office with wave after wave of miniature nuclear war heads.

God alters football game

After more than 13 billion years of dormancy, God came out of hiding today and directly altered the structure of the universe to change the outcome of one particular athletic competition held among members of one particular semi-advanced species of organism played on a land mass, called the United States of America, located on Earth, a 4 billion year old planet in the solar system S2R9D located in the Milky Way galaxy.  In particular, God altered several pathways of space time so that the Arizona Cardinals, one of the two competing teams in the athletic competition, could win the athletic event and move on to play in the most important competition held on that particular land mass in that particular type of athletic event during one orbit around planet Earth’s sun.

God, who laid forth certain physical laws of nature during the creation of the universe 13 billion years ago, has left those physical laws to dictate all events of time and space hence, and has not intervened once in the history of the universe.  Until now, that is.  God’s motives for destroying the constancy of the fundamental forces controlling the motion of every particle in the universe are unknown.  What is clear is that the Arizona Cardinals could never have made it to the Super Bowl, as their now upcoming athletic event is called, while still constrained to follow the natural physical laws of this universe.

Whether God’s intervention against the physical laws of nature will have any side effects on the universe is yet to be seen, although several black holes reportedly spontaneously appeared in QR5501S, a small spiral galaxy located in Local Group 7, right around the time that God altered the quantum brain waves of Earth inhabitant Terry McAulay, a biological entity known as a human.  McAulay, who had authority over the rules of the athletic competition by presiding as a “referee”,  as it’s known on Earth, did not enforce a particular rule of the competition due to God’s intervention, a move which ended up being key to the outcome of the event.

Kurt Warner, a human member of the winning team, was quick to thank God for intervening on his team’s behalf after the sporting event ended, although it is unclear how Warner was able to infer the supernatural change in neuronal activity of McAulay – humans, being only a semi-advanced species of organism, are incapable of external brain wave processing.  A possible collusion between Warner and God is being investigated.

Shocking study on homosexuality

A study published this week in the scientific journal Ferrohydrodynamics And Gayness Studies (FAGS) reports the shocking conclusion that homosexual teenagers are over 900 times more likely to grow up to be homosexual adults.  The five year study collected data from 2000 male adults: 1000 Queer Individuals (QI’s) and 1000 Not Queer Individuals (NQI’s).  Remarkably, not a single one of the NQI’s were gay during their childhood, while 980 of the QI’s first demonstrated gayitude as teenagers or younger.

According to Jim Cokluver, lead scientist in the study, “It had previously been suspected that there might be a correlation between Cake Boys and Cake Men, but never before had a study of this magnitude been performed.  This data provides the long-sought link between homojuvenus – that is, young Fag – and the older Fag homoseni.”

Along with the data, the report includes several case studies, including that of “Jeremy”.  As a youngster, Jeremy showed tendencies that would classify him as a Type I gaywad: partaking in ballet classes, dressing like a queer, and constantly demonstrating his sexual attraction to other boys.  However, it came as a complete surprise to friends and family when Jeremy brought home a boyfriend for Christmas at age 25.  “We never knew our sweet little gay boy would grow up to be gay,” recalled his father, “we never knew.”

The report stops short of providing a concrete explanation for the phenomenon, pointing out that the scientific field of Juvenile Dickmuncherology, as it’s termed, is still in its infancy.  Nevertheless, the work is being hailed as a milestone in the Biomechanics of Gayocity, and provides an important step in understanding Gayvolution.