Ten Years Ago Today: My story

Today is April 20th, 2009.  Ten years ago today something bad happened.  This is my story of that day.

Ten years ago today I woke up and went to bowling class. Bowling class started at 6:30 AM.  We formed teams at the beginning of the semester, and then bowled against different teams each week. One team was made up of some typical high school outcasts. One of those outcasts was named Dylan Klebold. Another one was named Eric Harris. As outcasts go, they seemed as harmless as any other. They were anything but.

Ten years ago today, I went to my morning classes the same as any other Tuesday. One of those classes was AP Calculus. Dylan Klebold was in that class as well. I had known him since 7th grade.  He had always been a rather smart kid. In 7th grade he was not an outcast.

Ten years ago today, I went to lunch with my friends Justin Carlson and Angie Portincaso. We had fifth period off, which meant that we had a long lunch. As usual, we went to Southwest Plaza mall. We left around 11:10 AM, walking through the senior parking lot to my car. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris walked through the senior parking lot at around 11:14 AM and began what would become the worst U.S. school rampage in history.

Ten years ago today, Justin, Angie, and I ate lunch at Arby’s. We poked fun at each other, discussed our recent senior prom, counted the number of twists in our curly fries. While we were eating, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were shooting people. A girl named Rachel Scott decided to eat her lunch on the grass outside the cafeteria. She was already dead before we finished counting curly fries.

Ten years ago today, after lunch we went to visit our friend Mindy Edstrom, who worked at a store called Claire’s in the mall. While we were talking to her, she received a phone call. Someone told her that a shooting had occurred at Columbine. Our first reaction was one of cautious excitement. “Someone must have just shot out the windows or something,” we thought. “Some sort of prank,” we thought. “This will make for an interesting afternoon,” we thought. We thought wrong on at least 2 counts.

Ten years ago today, we started to drive back to school. We did not get very close. As we approached, we saw throngs of students walking through Clement Park, away from the school. Police cars were everywhere. They wouldn’t allow us to turn onto Pierce Street and return to school. They directed us into a neighborhood across from the school. “Maybe this is serious,” we thought.

Ten years ago today, we were directed to Leawood Elementary School, which had been set up as a safe haven for parents and students to reunite. Many parents found their children there. My parents found me. They found my sister as well. There was a mother there whose child was named Isaiah Sholes. She asked me if I knew who Isaiah was. I said that I did. She asked if I had seen him. I said that I hadn’t, but surely he would turn up. Isaiah Sholes never reunited with his mother. Isaiah had decided to hang out in the library that day. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot him in the face and killed him. He was the only black student in my graduating class.

Ten years ago today, while sifting through the chaos at Leawood Elementary, I looked up and saw Bill Clinton appear on television, talking about a tragedy unfolding at Columbine High School. “This is serious,” I thought.  Outside the school, media crews were set up all over.  One such crew took a picture of my mom hugging my sister after we found her.  Later that week I saw that picture on the cover of Time magazine.  Another member of the media was a woman who worked for a television station called Univision.  She was asking if anyone spoke Spanish.  I told her that I did, and she asked if she could interview me.  She asked me que paso.  I told her that unos estudiantes entraron en la escuela con pistoles, and so on.  It is the only time in my life that I have been interviewed on television.

Ten years ago today, ten people, including Isaiah, were killed in the library. This is where the worst of the massacre occurred. Not in the gym, not in the weight room, not in the faculty lounge. In the library. For ten years, I tried to make sense of that fact. Today, I decided that some things don’t make sense.

Ten years ago today, I eventually went home with my family. We received many phone calls. We made many phone calls. We watched the news as more details emerged. Many details that were reported were completely wrong. The number of people “confirmed dead” jumped up and down nearly every hour, peaking at around 50. What does “confirmed dead” mean, one had to wonder. After several days, the tally eventually settled at 15: 12 students killed, one teacher killed, and the suicides of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Thirteen people went to school and never got to finish the day.  If any one of those thirteen people had caught a cold and stayed home from school, they would still be around.  If Rachel Scott had taken her lunch inside, would she still be around?  If Isaiah Sholes had decided to shoot hoops instead of working on his homework, would he still be around?  If the propane bombs had gone off as planned by Eric and Dylan, how many others would not still be around?  These are pointless questions, of course.  If my great great grandfather had caught a cold the day he met my great great grandmother, would I still be around?, and so on.  

Ten years ago today, I went to bed, the morning’s bowling a lifetime away. Lying in bed, it occurred to me that I had not cried. All day, I saw people crying all around me. I hadn’t shed a tear. I thought about this. “Is something wrong with me that I haven’t cried?” I wondered. In ten years I never found an answer to that question.  

Ten years ago today, I eventually fell asleep; the day’s events forever behind me, forced to do battle in my mind with every other event of my life, all details struggling to remain a part of my collective memory. Many of the details have since lost the battle, but some remain.  For instance, I don’t remember what clothes I wore. But I do remember where I sat in Calculus class. I don’t remember what songs we listened to on the way to Southwest Plaza Mall. But I do remember the location of the television in Leawood Elementary on which Bill Clinton appeared to address the nation. I don’t remember how well I bowled that morning, or how well Dylan Klebold bowled. But I do remember the look on the face of Isaiah Sholes’ mother as she desperately searched for her son.  

Ten years ago today, mine became just another story from April 20^th 1999 at Columbine High School. Many people were given a story to tell that they never asked for on that day. This was my story.

Mostly-United States Elects First Atheist President!

November 5, 2808: Thousands of years of prejudice all but vanished yesterday, as Juntao Satanidric won election as the first ever atheist president of the Mostly-United States of America.  Satanidric, who is also  deaf, gay, and limbless, faced an uphill battle the entire way due to his open rejection of a traditional God.  His opponent, John McCain the 23rd, frequently attacked his ability to lead a country without God on his side, but Satanidric held strong, promising change and inspiring people with his eloquence.

Supporters hoist President-elect Satanidric in the air in celebration of his becoming the nation's first atheist President

As the polls closed last night, Satanidric had  amassed over 17 billion votes, or an overwhelming 63% of the popular vote.  Nevertheless, many wonder whether Satanidric would have been able to win the election in the former United States, prior to the Reformation and Reorganization of 2730, when most Southern States separated from the Union to form the United States of Jesus, and several states remained part of the Union but refused to take part in its politics.

With the election of Satanidric, it seems that prejudice of all kind has finally been eliminated from our society.  After this historic election, men, women, and transvestites of all race, color, shape, and affiliation have won the office of President at some point in history.  While many thought that the election of President Joseph Bush, a mentally challenged midget, in 2788, was the final obstacle in putting the ugliness of segregation behind us, in fact atheists remained the sole group unable to clear the hurdle of becoming President – until now.

“I never thought I would see this day, not in my lifetime,” said one elated man, tears forming in his eyes.  Later asked whether he ever lost faith in Satanidric’s ability to win, the man responded, “Faith is an absurd notion.  Satanidric never needed the help of an invisible man in the sky.  He accomplished this on his own, through rational action.  What a beautiful moment.  I wish he could hear the cheers.”

Even though the road to becoming President was long and arduous, Satanidric acknowledged that the most daunting tasks still lay ahead.  Faced with a shattered economy that has been reduced to a bartering system, a failing war with the Argonites, extraterrestrial beings which have occupied Utah since 2802, and the threat of a growing black hole which is predicted to swallow Earth within the next four years, Satanidric takes over a country at one of its lowest points in recent memory.

Nevertheless, there is a reason for hope.  That reason was never more evident than while watching Satanidric, Godless queer that he is, wriggle his way up to the podium for a victory speech last night.  One couldn’t watch the scene unfold without feeling a sense of pride in humanity, and perhaps more importantly, a sense of optimism for what we can accomplish when we put our differences behind us.

Bush throws temper tantrum in White House

President Bush, who was supposed to be using his final day as President to clear away the remainder of his belongings from the White House, reportedly threw a temper tantrum during a “Farewell Luncheon” with his advisers, and has locked himself in the Oval Office, refusing to come out until everyone in America says something nice about him.

Bob Schreider, political analyst and Bush confidant, told reporters that Bush is not speaking to anyone, although occasional sobs and mumblings of self-deprecation have been heard from inside the Oval Office throughout the ordeal.  President-elect Barack Obama, meanwhile, spent much of the afternoon hanging out in the White House lobby, personal effects in tow, waiting to move into his new office.   Obama, displaying the calm rationale which he has come to be known for, has been very patient throughout, stating at one point that “it’s understandably a tough day” for Bush.  He added, “I’m sure if we just give the little fella some time alone, he’ll be alright.”

In a CNN interview, however, Schreider did not seem convinced that Bush would come out on his own.  “Perhaps,” he said, “the best choice is for everyone to say something nice about him.  It wouldn’t have to be anything too nice, just something so that he feels special.”  In light of the interview, a special email address, bushnotsobad@aol.com, has been set up, and all American citizens are urged to send in a brief email with a nice compliment for the 43rd President on his last day.  According to Schreider, around 30 emails would probably be enough to get Bush to open the door, at which point Secret Service officials could take him down and forcibly remove him.  Whether that many American citizens will be up to the task is uncertain, though, and so alternative tactics are being considered, including tricking Bush into thinking that Osama Bin Laden is hiding in the kitchen, or hitting the Oval Office with wave after wave of miniature nuclear war heads.

God alters football game

After more than 13 billion years of dormancy, God came out of hiding today and directly altered the structure of the universe to change the outcome of one particular athletic competition held among members of one particular semi-advanced species of organism played on a land mass, called the United States of America, located on Earth, a 4 billion year old planet in the solar system S2R9D located in the Milky Way galaxy.  In particular, God altered several pathways of space time so that the Arizona Cardinals, one of the two competing teams in the athletic competition, could win the athletic event and move on to play in the most important competition held on that particular land mass in that particular type of athletic event during one orbit around planet Earth’s sun.

God, who laid forth certain physical laws of nature during the creation of the universe 13 billion years ago, has left those physical laws to dictate all events of time and space hence, and has not intervened once in the history of the universe.  Until now, that is.  God’s motives for destroying the constancy of the fundamental forces controlling the motion of every particle in the universe are unknown.  What is clear is that the Arizona Cardinals could never have made it to the Super Bowl, as their now upcoming athletic event is called, while still constrained to follow the natural physical laws of this universe.

Whether God’s intervention against the physical laws of nature will have any side effects on the universe is yet to be seen, although several black holes reportedly spontaneously appeared in QR5501S, a small spiral galaxy located in Local Group 7, right around the time that God altered the quantum brain waves of Earth inhabitant Terry McAulay, a biological entity known as a human.  McAulay, who had authority over the rules of the athletic competition by presiding as a “referee”,  as it’s known on Earth, did not enforce a particular rule of the competition due to God’s intervention, a move which ended up being key to the outcome of the event.

Kurt Warner, a human member of the winning team, was quick to thank God for intervening on his team’s behalf after the sporting event ended, although it is unclear how Warner was able to infer the supernatural change in neuronal activity of McAulay – humans, being only a semi-advanced species of organism, are incapable of external brain wave processing.  A possible collusion between Warner and God is being investigated.

Shocking study on homosexuality

A study published this week in the scientific journal Ferrohydrodynamics And Gayness Studies (FAGS) reports the shocking conclusion that homosexual teenagers are over 900 times more likely to grow up to be homosexual adults.  The five year study collected data from 2000 male adults: 1000 Queer Individuals (QI’s) and 1000 Not Queer Individuals (NQI’s).  Remarkably, not a single one of the NQI’s were gay during their childhood, while 980 of the QI’s first demonstrated gayitude as teenagers or younger.

According to Jim Cokluver, lead scientist in the study, “It had previously been suspected that there might be a correlation between Cake Boys and Cake Men, but never before had a study of this magnitude been performed.  This data provides the long-sought link between homojuvenus – that is, young Fag – and the older Fag homoseni.”

Along with the data, the report includes several case studies, including that of “Jeremy”.  As a youngster, Jeremy showed tendencies that would classify him as a Type I gaywad: partaking in ballet classes, dressing like a queer, and constantly demonstrating his sexual attraction to other boys.  However, it came as a complete surprise to friends and family when Jeremy brought home a boyfriend for Christmas at age 25.  “We never knew our sweet little gay boy would grow up to be gay,” recalled his father, “we never knew.”

The report stops short of providing a concrete explanation for the phenomenon, pointing out that the scientific field of Juvenile Dickmuncherology, as it’s termed, is still in its infancy.  Nevertheless, the work is being hailed as a milestone in the Biomechanics of Gayocity, and provides an important step in understanding Gayvolution.

Race for the Cure fails for 25th straight year

Despite the participation of more than 50,000,000 individuals in over 18,000 cities worldwide, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure failed to locate the cure for breast cancer once again in 2008. The organization raised over 25 million dollars towards the purchase of little pink ribbons, and recruited a record number of people. In the end, though, the massive coordinated global effort came up empty handed.

Race organizers expressed optimism for 2009, but also a touch of disappoint when reflecting on the efforts of 2008. “I went to a few of these races, and most of the people weren’t even looking that hard,” admitted founder Nancy Brinker. “If the cure is indeed lying in the gutter of a city street, as we believe it is, participants in the Race need to scan the roads much more carefully. From what I saw, very few people seemed even the least bit concerned with tracking down the precious cure. I don’t know why you would even participate when all you plan to do is run to the end of the search zone as quickly as you can.”

Amidst increased pressure to change its core strategy, Brinker hinted at the possibility of handing out small magnifying glasses along with the little pink ribbons in 2009.

The remarkable similarities between Zombies and Mormons

• They usually travel in groups
• They will stop at nothing in their efforts to add new members to their “club”
• Their main selling point to convert newcomers is Eternal Life
• They look and act kind of like regular people; there’s just something…different…about them
• People tend to run away or hide when they seem them coming
• Their very existence is a slap in the face to science and rational thinking (will probably get some angry letters from the American Zombie Society for that one)

Riots mark historic victory for Obama

As the electoral votes mounted and the White House became imminent, supporters of Barack Obama in cities all across the country celebrated his historic victory on election night the only way Americans know how: with riots, looting, and setting things on fire.

In Grant Park in Chicago, Obama captivated the crowd with an eloquent and inspiring speech, leaving over 100,000 people with a sense of real hope not felt in this country for a number of years.  After the speech ended, complete strangers were seen embracing and laughing together.  Then, in a true show of unity, nearly all present burst into a riot.  It was a riot for change, a riot for America.  Blacks and whites, men and women, young and old, rioted together side by side, in a scene many thought they would never see in their lifetime.

“This is absolutely amazing,” stated Lacy Graham, a 90 year old black woman who had waited in line for 3 hours to cast her vote for Obama.  “The future finally looks bright for the United States.  I’ve never been so happy in all my days.”  Graham proceeded to help her grandchildren flip over a police car and set it ablaze.  “God bless Barack Obama,” she said, pouring gasoline on the car with the pride and zest of a 20 year old.

Similar scenes took place all over the country.  In New York, rioters started a massive fire in an office building in the shape of an ‘O’.  Bob Jameson, one of the organizers of the fire, shared his thoughts: “You know, Americans really came together today.  I’m so proud.  What we did here,” he said, gesturing to the billowing fire with a twinkle in his eye, “this took the hard work of over 50 people, from all walks of life.  This wasn’t planned.  We all just saw an opportunity to be heard, to make a difference.  Where but in America could something like this happen?”

Even some Republicans took place in the celebration riots, as they came to realize the gravity of the moment.  “I did not vote for Obama,” said one Republican, as he poetically launched an empty beer bottle off into the night air, “but if he can bring people together like this, who am I to stand in the way of change?”

As the night waned on, the rioters slowly made their way home, the magnitude of the night’s victory starting to sink in.  And even as the couch fires began to burn themselves out, it was clear that this was not the end, but only the beginning.  The change America needed would not be accomplished through one hard fought day of voting and riots; the change America needed would have to come slowly, would have to be earned one day at a time.  Still, the days events signaled that the opportunity for that change was never more present.

“Yes we can, to opportunity,” said a teary eyed Jack Bertran as he climbed through the shattered window of an electronics store, holding his 3 year old son in one arm and a $500 DVD player in the other.   “Yes we can.”

80 women all coincidentally wear same costume to Halloween party

A coincidence of almost unbelievable proportions occurred this past weekend at the Halloween Bash, an advertised pre-Halloween costume party at High Street Bar in Duquesne, Illinois, when every single woman in attendance independently dressed as a Slut.  Not a single word of communication had transpired between any of the 80 or so women, who ranged from age 18 to 28, as to what costumes they planned to wear, making the fact that every single female in attendance came to High Street Bar dressed as a Slut even more remarkable.

For the record, slight variations did exist in some of the women’s costumes.  For instance, Jill Myers came dressed as a Pirate Slut, whereas Janine Paluno wore the costume of a Superhero Slut.  These slight tweaks on the basic Slut costume were perceptible only to the trained eye however, and did little to decrease the astonishing peculiarity of the phenomenon.

Party attendees try to hide their embarrassment at their identical Slut costumes

While the unparalleled coincidence brought unimaginable embarrassment to nearly every woman present, the men in attendance did not seem bothered in the least or even baffled by the sheer probability of such an event occurring.

“Frickin’ sweet,” was the only explanation offered up by one male present, Brad Jenson, a 23 year old insurance salesman.  For his part, Jenson displayed much greater creativity than the women, as he was the only attendee  who came dressed as Brad Jenson.

According to Dr. Joel Regal, Professor of Statistics at the University of Illinois, the odds of 100% of the women at a given Halloween party all dressing as a Slut is  “actually, really high.  The probability is basically 1.”

Regal added, “I love Halloween.”

Amendment to grant “life at boner”

The pro-life/pro-choice debate was rekindled this week, after the Colorado Springs conservative group “Because God Says So” proposed adding a radical new amendment to the constitution.  The amendment takes the pro-life stance to a bold new level, granting full human rights and privileges, under law, to an unborn child at the moment of boner.  According to the group’s website, “When a man receives a boner, that is a message from God that He wants that individual to procreate and produce one of God’s children.  To do anything otherwise would be not only to deny God’s will, but also to deny that potential human of its God given right to live.”

If the new Amendment is passed in next month’s election, it would bring about several dramatic changes in the current law.  For one, all means of birth control, including abstinence, would be illegal.  Further, any male caught with a boner not in the process of fertilizing a female egg would be considered a felon.  Needless to say, abortion would be extremely illegal and punishable by death, even in cases of rape, incest, and impregnation-by-wild-mule-after-being-kidnapped-and-forcefully-tied-down-by-foreign-perverts-filming-”Mule-on-Girl”-porn.

When asked how they could possibly justify giving the government the right to arrest 13 year old boys for masturbating, Colleen Sheer, a spokesperson for the group, replied candidly, ” because God says so”.